


Tabledancing

by zellieh



Category: SGA - Fandom, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alcohol, Aliens Make Them Do It, Comedy, Crack, Dancing, Fluff, Humor, Multi, Party, Stripping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:39:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zellieh/pseuds/zellieh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John was just starting to relax, smiling charmingly at the Tslgt of Rnzsch and hoping he could get away with calling her 'Ma'am' for the whole evening, when the stripper music started. Da-da-da-DAH, da-da-duh-DUH...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tabledancing

**Author's Note:**

> **Minor, tiny spoilers for S1.**  
> Originally posted to [](http://community.livejournal.com/broomsxhandles/profile)[**broomsxhandles**](http://community.livejournal.com/broomsxhandles/) for [](http://lavvyan.livejournal.com/profile)[**lavvyan**](http://lavvyan.livejournal.com/)'s birthday.  
> If you want to listen to the classic stripper music John's listening to in this story, you should search for "The Stripper" by David Rose. It's a great piece of music. *g*

John was just starting to relax, smiling charmingly at the Tslgt of Rnzsch and hoping he could get away with calling her 'Ma'am' for the whole evening, when the stripper music started.

 

_Da-da-da-DAH, da-da-duh-DUH..._

 

John stuttered, spluttered, accidentally pronounced 'Tslgt of Rnzsch' right for the first - and only - time, and stared at Rodney, who was staring back at him, open-mouthed with shock. The Tslgt of Rnzsch giggled charmingly and patted his arm, and John tried to pull himself together and ignore the music, which wasn't easy; the musicians were really getting into it now.

A movement from Ford's group caught his eye - Ford was starting to move to the music, smiling around at everyone as he hummed along and threw in a hip-shimmy. John gulped and closed his eyes. Damn the Zmrft and the pints of almost-mango cider they offered as guest-gifts to all their visitors. It was all going to hell; this was probably their national anthem, or deeply spiritual sacred music...

 

_Da-da-da-DAH, da-dah-duh-DUH..._

 

Ford shouted "Woo-hoo!" and John's eyes snapped open just in time to see him leap up onto the table and throw his jacket to the crowd. John moaned and caught Teyla's eye, nodding frantically at Ford, hoping she'd be able to talk the Zmfrt out of the boiling oil and cattle-prods. Teyla frowned at him, looked at Ford and...smiled. And...started clapping?

John blinked. Ford shimmied as he teasingly flashed his abs under his t-shirt. Teyla wolf-whistled him, and started stamping her feet. John blinked again, and looked at Rodney, who shrugged. Well, at least Rodney still looked normal; maybe he wasn't hallucinating; maybe Ford and Teyla were just really, really drunk. What the hell had the Zmrft put in their drinks, anyway?

Leaning in towards him, the Tslgt of Rnzsch said, "You should have told me your people knew the Dance of Fertility!" She merrily elbowed him in the side, and nodded at Ford. The crowd around him whistled appreciatively and started clapping along with Teyla. John smiled weakly at the Tslgt, and obediently started clapping along with the rest of the Zmfrt. Rodney followed a beat behind.

John leaned over and hissed at him. "Rodney, did we slip into an alternate universe again?"

Rodney said, "No. At least, I don't think we did." He frowned, and surreptitiously checked his laptop. "No, everything's normal." He gave John a reassuring smile, and John raised a meaningful - and skeptical - eyebrow at Ford, who was now whirling his t-shirt around his head.

"Ah," said Rodney. "I'll just, uh, check for hallucinogens, and, and roofies, shall I?"

 

_Da-Dah [boom-boom] Da-Dah [boom-boom]..._

 

Up on the table, Ford did something that looked - to John, at least - anatomically impossible, and the crowd went wild.

"Rodney, what is Ford doing," John said, as he slowly tilted his head to the side, squinting - did the kid even have a backbone, he wondered - "and how on earth is he doing it?"

Rodney said, "I can do that."

John whipped his head round to stare at Rodney, and said, "No way can you do that, McKay!"

"I can! Want me to prove it?" Rodney raised his chin, and started to unzip his jacket.

John grabbed his hand, yelping, "NO!" just as the sweet, grandmotherly Tslgt of Rnzsch said, "Yes, please do," and smiled hopefully - and lecherously - at both of them.

John whipped his head around to stare at her, horrified, and she suddenly looked apologetic. "Oh, I'm sorry! I did not realise you were a mated pair-"

John said, "What?! We're n-" just as she laid a hand on his arm and continued, "-I was so looking forward to seeing your Fertility Dances also."

John grabbed Rodney like a drowning man finding a life-raft in a sea full of unexpected sharks. "Mated. Yes. Yes, we are mated, aren't we, Rodney darling?"

Rodney coughed, and said, "Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry. We'd love to have danced for you, but," he leaned in towards her confidingly, his eyes twinkling evilly, "poor little Johnny's really very shy, you know." He gave John a sickly-sweet smile, and patted his hand. John smiled back at him, showing more teeth than were really necessary, and wondered if the Tslgt of Rnzsch would lend him a cattle-prod if he asked nicely.

 

_Da-Dah [boom-boom] Da-Dah [boom-boom]..._

 

Up on the table, Ford had hit a snag - he couldn't take his trousers off without undoing his boots first. He wiggled his ass at the crowd as he bent down to unlace his first boot, and Teyla leaned up to talk to him. John relaxed and smiled at Rodney; he knew he could always count on Teyla - she was obviously going to talk to Ford, and get him out of...waitaminute!

Teyla started unlacing Ford's other boot for him, then helped him pull them off, and tucked them neatly under the table. Ford said, "Hey, thanks Teyla!" and threw her his cap. Teyla caught it neatly, smiled serenely up at him and said, "You are quite welcome, Aiden." John frowned at both of them. Beside him, Rodney snickered.

Now free of his boots and socks, Ford ran a lazy hand across his naked chest, did a little barefoot bump-and-grind, and started undoing his pants. Oh, no. He wasn't going to...he was. John closed his eyes and tried to whimper in a manly military-commanding-officer-of-Atlantis kind of way. Rodney patted his arm and murmured "there there there" in a saccharine voice.

Rodney leaned across him to the Tslgt of Rnzsch, saying, "See, what did I tell you? Very shy," and patted his hand again. John snapped his eyes open to give Rodney a Look promising long-drawn-out painful death, and caught the Tslgt of Rnzsch giving the pair of them an 'Awww-that's-so-sweet!' smile. She took John's other hand and patted it reassuringly. John gritted his teeth and thought longingly of boiling oil. Vats of boiling oil...

John looked away from them, over to Ford again, and immediately wished he hadn't. Lieutenant Ford had achieved the impossible: he'd managed to make their ugly-as-sin military-issue pants look sexy. By taking them off, and...um.

Beside him, Rodney put two fingers in his mouth and wolf-whistled piercingly. John narrowed his eyes at him. "Rodney, he's our team-mate! And I thought you were straight!"

Rodney shuffled his feet and looked shifty. "Yes, well. I'm, uh... Feeling the team spirit?"

At the front of the crowd, Teyla stamped her feet harder, clapped enthusiastically, and yelled out a suggestion that made even the Tslgt of Rnzsch blush.

John winced, and said, "Oh, now that's not even physically possible!"

Rodney set his chin to maximum smugness, and said, "Actually..."

John slapped a hand across Rodney's mouth, and made his imaginary vat of boiling oil big enough for Teyla and her anatomically impossible suggestions too.

Up on the table, Ford was... well, he was shaking his...John closed his eyes. There were some things a CO just should not know about a subordinate, and John really wished Ford had got that memo. In fact, John was going to make sure Ford read that memo as soon as he sobered up and got back in uniform, preferably first thing in the morning while he was still hung over and suffering.

 

_Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da, dah-duh-DUH..._

 

Teyla whooped again, and the crowd went wild as Ford jumped down off the table and gave everyone an outrageous bow.

The Tslgt of Rnzsch whistled piercingly as she hurried forward to grab Ford's hand, and John and Rodney shared a nervous look and followed in her wake, fast. John had a feeling cattle-prods had become on option again.

Raising Ford's hand over his head like a referee with a winning boxer, the Tslgt of Rnzsch called out, "Who will claim him?" Most of the young women, a couple of older matrons, and several men started shouting, and Ford suddenly looked nervous. Teyla stepped forward, broke the Tslgt of Rnzsch's grip on Ford's hand, and said, "He is mine!" She looked around at the other would-be claimants challengingly until they all backed away. Then Teyla smiled, nodded respectfully at the Tslgt of Rnzsch, and pulled an even-more-nervous-looking Ford out of the room.

A few people in the crowd turned to eye John and Rodney speculatively, and John grabbed Rodney's arm, twining their fingers together. Rodney snorted and nuzzled his head into the crook of John's neck in a very sarcastic way, laying a noisy, lip-smacking kiss on John's collarbone. John gritted his teeth, and smiled at the crowd.

The Tslgt of Rnzsch clutched her hands to her (impressive) bosom and beamed at them. "Oh, you make such a cute couple!" Reaching forward, she pinched John's cheek, patted Rodney on the head, and then took John's arm in a disturbingly possessive way. "Come along now, darlings, you must be tired. I'll show you to your room and you can perform the Dance of Fertility for each other, in private!" She gave John a roguish wink and leered at Rodney, who snorted back a laugh and hid his face in John's neck - the coward! John felt a blush warm his cheeks, and smiled his most diplomatic smile at the Tslgt of Rnzsch, surreptitiously kicking Rodney in the shin.

John had never been so glad to shut the door on anyone as he was to shut the thank-god-it-locks door to their guest room behind the Tslgt of Rnzsch. He'd begun to think she wasn't going to leave at all, - and, seriously, weren't women past menopause supposed to have a lower sex drive?! He shuddered, leaning against the wonderfully solid door for a moment, slowly relaxing to the familiar muttering as Rodney took off his boots, complained about his bad back, and ritually insulted their hosts, the planet, the food...

"So, anatomically impossible, huh?"

"What?" Startled from his reverie, John looked up at Rodney, who was standing with his arms crossed and his chin raised challengingly. Uh-oh.

"You think I'm too soft to make that move Ford did?" Hands on his hips, Rodney started across the room towards John, looking determined.

"That's not what I said, Rodney -- hey! Put me down!"

 

_Da-da-da-DAH, da-da-duh-DUH..._

 

Teyla looked extra-serene the next morning, smiling the smile of the calm and well-laid at everyone who approached her. It was hard to say how Ford looked, since he was trying his best to hide behind his cap, his shades, and any bit of furniture or architecture that was big enough to hide him. He seemed to be blushing a lot, though, and he was moving very carefully.

John tried to scowl at both of them, on principle, but his lips kept curving up into a smile, and finally he gave up, blushing and beaming at the Tslgt of Rnzsch. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Rodney looking tired, and very, very smug. John groaned, scrubbing a hand across his face, and caught Teyla's eye when he looked up. She smiled at him, and he found himself smiling back, helplessly.

He had no idea how he was going to write this up in his mission report, but the debrief with Elizabeth was certainly going to be interesting...

 

_Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da, dah-duh-DUH..._

 

"The Zmrft were very friendly," said John, carefully.

"The Tslgt of Rnzsch was particularly impressed with Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay," said Teyla, smoothly. "They were...very diplomatic. I believe, from what she said to me this morning, that she would be extremely interested in an exchange with either or both of them in future."

John winced, Rodney frowned, Teyla smiled at them, serenely, and Ford looked between his team-mates, scenting blood in the water, suddenly looking perkier than he had all day.

Luckily, Elizabeth missed the by-play, or chose to ignore it, focussing on Teyla's words instead. "Good. We could use another ally." She looked around at the team. "So, you are all agreed that we should trade with the Zmrft?"

"Oh, I think we should definitely trade with them, Elizabeth. They're lovely people," said Rodney, dreamily, as his hands waved hourglass figures through the air, "really...lovely people. Great taste in music, too."

John choked back a slightly-hysterical laugh, Teyla looked smug, and Aiden blushed.


End file.
